Reflections on My Struggle with Depression and Its Impact

Going through a period of depression can be a deeply transformative experience, one that leaves indelible marks on both our physical and emotional states. Looking back, I was unrecognizable compared to the person I am today in terms of my appearance and mindset. The images I see now make me question how I could have ever accepted these days as the saddest and most challenging period of my life.

Physical Descriptions and Appearances

Back then, my physical appearance was a testament to my emotional state. My hair was unkempt, a reflection of my daily struggle to pull myself together, and it always seemed to be a mess. I had body proportions that indicated an excessive eating disorder, and the smell of neglect was palpable; I hadn’t bathed in what felt like years. The sandals I wore, despite their comfort, exposed a bloody toe wrapped in a napkin—a symbol of the self-inflicted harm I was going through.

Lower-End Modeling Career

During that time, I was a lingerie and import model, attending events like Hot Import Nights. Although these events were often considered low-tier, they were a part of the modeling industry. There are models like Ashley Vee and Jill De Los Reyes who have achieved great success, making appearances in music videos and films, traveling around the world. Their accomplishments are inspiring, and I do not downplay their achievements in any way.

Financial and Emotional Stability

Reflecting on those days, I now understand how fortunate I truly was. I had a mother who loved me unconditionally, food to eat, and a warm and safe home. My grandmother was a guiding presence in my life, and countless other family members, all of whom would have been devastated had I taken my own life. Although I was not popular, I was cherished by a few close friends who cared deeply about me.

Isolation and Social Struggles

In my pursuit of self-protection, I isolated myself over many years, avoiding social interactions for fear of getting hurt. This isolation manifested in my appearance; I never brushed my hair, wore wrinkled clothes, and was never fully shaved. I was often anti-social, which led to me running away whenever someone wanted to take my picture. I never truly danced, fearing I would look foolish and open myself up to potential ridicule and hurt.

Conclusion and Lessons Learned

Now, as I look back, I am profoundly grateful for the wealth of resources I had at my disposal. I had access to public libraries that offered a wealth of knowledge to pass the time, and I had a deep love for learning and curiosity that kept me going. I lived in one of the greatest cities in the world, surrounded by the pursuit of knowledge and personal growth.

Through all this, I wish to convey that appearances are superficial. What truly matters is the inherent worth and value within us. Health, emotional stability, and the love of family and friends are the true treasures in life. These reflections are not to glorify a dark period but to serve as a reminder for others who may be going through similar struggles.