The Attraction to Abusers and Why Women Stay
Our subconscious often pulls us towards individuals who fulfill the patterns we were accustomed to in our early environments. If someone experienced abuse as a child or grew up feeling insignificant, they may be drawn to partners who turn out to be abusers. Conversely, change, though necessary, is often avoided by the human brain. Overcoming this tendency requires effort and awareness.
A Personal Journey
I can only speak from my own experience, which kept me entangled for many years. In the beginning, he satisfied my hunger for attention, we had passionate sex, spent time doing fun things together, and were inseparable. He was known for his tough-guy reputation but displayed sensitivity and tenderness towards me, sharing details about himself and his past relationships, making me feel like the unique one he had been waiting for his entire life. He proposed marriage after just 6 weeks and we eloped.
However, the honeymoon ended abruptly when I discovered he was still seeing his ex. His response was a backhand that left me with a black eye. Rather than apologize, he blamed me, suggesting it was my fault for making him angry by accusing him of infidelity. He swore his marriage vows meant something, yet within six months, he cheated again. This was where the abuse began, slowly evolving and escalating over the next 15 years.
At first, there were no obvious signs of abuse. When I noticed signs, I dismissed them, attributing the behavior to a one-off situation. The abuse was gradual, with apologies and selfish justifications. I empathized with him and gave him the benefit of the doubt, justifying his behavior as a product of his past experiences. As time passed, the abuse became more frequent, yet he still expressed sincere apologies and explained that he didn't understand why he was acting that way.
Abusive Partners Hiding Behind Masks
When entering a relationship with an abusive partner, one might not immediately see the warning signs. The abuse is often slow and gradual, initially excused and forgiven. The abuser may appear loving, considerate, and caring, and they offer heartfelt apologies for their abnormal behavior. This makes it difficult to recognize the abuse as a pattern rather than a temporary deviation. When the abuse becomes more frequent, the partners often still believe in the abuser's apologies and rationalize the behavior as a result of the abuser's distrust or previous mistreatment.
The cycle of abuse then begins again when the partner is ready to leave, only for the abuser to temporarily revert to the 'loving' and 'caring' persona. This manipulation keeps partners in a continuous state of hope and confusion, making it hard to leave the relationship when they believe they have 'had enough'. The abuser's return to the 'loving' and 'caring' behavior further reinforces the partner's belief that the situation is different this time.
Understanding and Moving Forward
Understanding the root causes of why one stays in an abusive relationship is crucial for breaking the cycle. Trust your instincts, and seek support from friends, family, or professionals. It's also important to recognize that the abuser is the one with the problem, not the victim. Surround yourself with positive influences and consider the long-term impact of staying in a relationship that brings you more pain than joy.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, consider reaching out to The Hotline or FEMA’s National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and guidance.